she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize