This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
