I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
