First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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