I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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