I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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