Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
