It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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