How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
