On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
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i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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