Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
