This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
