The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
