Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
