he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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