She is in my trunk
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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