After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
