I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
