she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
