If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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