so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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