if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
