just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
