So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
