have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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