I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
