While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize