My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
