Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
