My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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