I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
