I wish I could punch you in the face.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
