This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
