You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
