Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
