I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
