I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.