No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line