So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
