i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
