my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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