Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
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She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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