Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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