He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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