respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
