Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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