Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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