i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize