I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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