last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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