Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
