i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
