You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
