My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
